Contradiction
by caffeine.therapy
Summary: Catra must face her choices and deal with the consecuences, is there anything beyond her ambitions that might make her change her perspective about the war?
1. The Beginning of the End

In a moment like this, Catra couldn't help but think and ask herself just _how the fuck_ did she get into this situation. No, more of a _how the fuck_ did the situation get so out of her control she was about to be killed by Hordak. He had already broken some of her ribs when he threw her across the hall and against the wall so fast she didn't even have time to react and defend herself. She was second in command now, alone in the ranks, no one to share the blame of a horrendous failed mission, not even with Force Captains like Scorpia.

 _Good._

None of the Force Captains had the fault, so it was fair, they only obeyed her commands and did what they were told. And if what they were told was wrong, well, there was only one person to blame here and it was Catra, it was fair. She liked fair, she wasn't complaining or wondering why she was taking the fall, she knew exactly why.

 _Adora._

Breathing was getting harder, the pain on her right side was burning and her head hurt, the bruises and cuts from the previous battle were stinging and probably bleeding, wounds reopening. Hordak didn't move after his previous attack, his imposing frame partially hiding behind shadows but Catra could feel his murderous aura. He was _furious._ Behind the iron doors she could hear Scorpia, she was walking nervously across the corridor, probably wondering if she was going to come out alive of this one.

For some reason, this situation reminded her of Shadow Weaver. That thought alone made her want to throw up harder than she already did.

"Catra."

Hordak's deep voice broke the awful silence in the hall.

If she died tonight, well, at least she got to see Adora one last time, even if the situation was not the one she'd have preferred, or that the last expression she saw on Adora's face was one of pain, covered in tears and blood.

 _Fuck._

This is her punishment for being weak. If she hadn't been weak this wouldn't be happening, the Horde would've won.

 _But Adora would probably be dead._

And that was the reason why she's now barely breathing in a cold, grey room with Hordak, who can break her like a twig with the snap of his fingers, defenseless and, if she's honest for once in her life, scared.

"I'll spare you for the last time, Catra."

For some reason, she felt as if the air was trying to choke her, as if it was Shadow Weaver's doing. She was being spared by Hordak yet it felt like an even worse death sentence.

"Prove me that I am right by letting you live, you have one last chance to take Bright Moon."

He was by her side in a matter of seconds, looking far more intimidating than ever before. When he spoke again, the hairs on her arms stood on end and a cold shiver ran down her spine. _Shit_. This is bad.

"Prove to me that you can overcome this… _weakness_ of yours, and that it will _never_ happen again."

What else could she say?

"I'll do it, Lord Hordak. This time I will."

Bile rose in her throat and Catra clenched her teeth. She hated this. She hated this situation. She hated the doubting.

"Get out."

She was dismissed, and alive.

 _Barely._

She didn't know how she managed to crawl her way out of Hordak's room, but it felt like years when she reached the corridor.

Catra felt humiliated, even more so when consciousness started to fade the moment she was lifted by Scorpia, probably, who quietly took her to her room.

Adora's tear streaked face was her last thought before everything faded to black.

Catra hated sleeping at Shadow Weaver's former room. The smell, the memories, the pain, it all seemed to live there, and she hated it. She wished she could go back to sleep at the barracks along with the others like she used to, at least there she didn't feel like someone was watching her. _And Adora was there too._

She wanted to slap herself, but if she did it'd do no good for her, so she bit her tongue.

 _Stop thinking about Adora._ This…weakness she had with her…she needed to let it go. Otherwise, Hordak would either kill her or demote her.

But did she really care? About her rank?

She wished she could curl into a ball, but with her still healing ribs it was nearly impossible without hurting herself, so Catra just closed her eyes and covered her face with her hands, claws threating to dig into her skin.

If she was willing to jeopardize her life in the Horde to save Adora, did she even really care about it? Was it important to her?

She didn't know anymore. Still, her loyalty was still here for the most part. Or that's what she believes anyways.

 _Isn't letting Adora and her sidekicks get away a betrayal, though?_

To Hordak it seems it is. Or at least a sign that Catra isn't fit for the job of second in command. She could feel her claws digging slowly on her face. Again, the doubting. She is good enough to be second in command. There's no one else fit for the job, she's the best the Horde has.

 _The best after Adora defected._

The smell of blood surrounded her now, she could feel it coming out of cheek. She was always second best when Adora was here.

The golden child. Shadow Weaver's favorite. Adora was destined to be the Horde's very best soldier. And then there was Catra. Adora's sidekick, the second best, never good enough.

Bile rose in her throat and she could feel a headache forming.

How many times did she go through Shadow Weaver's wrath because of Adora? Certainly, Shadow Weaver had a way of reminding her that she would amount to nothing, every time.

If Adora came back, would Catra be demoted back to Force Captain? Would she go back to being second best? Adora being She-Ra makes her much more powerful to Hordak's eyes than Catra would ever be, if he could get his hands on that power and be able to control it, he would no doubt replace Catra with Adora.

She couldn't have that. Not after all the work she has done to get here.

Yet, wasn't having Adora back what she wanted all along? Since the moment she defected, Catra wanted her back. Needed her back, but she knew Adora wouldn't, she had already made up her mind and abandoned her and the Horde for her journey of self-righteousness. Even after she _promised_ to never leave her, she did. Catra wanted to scream, how could she leave her like that? Did the promise they make mean nothing to her? How was Adora so blind as to what the Horde was doing, how they were? Didn't she realize only by seeing how Shadow Weaver treated Catra? If they could treat one of their own like that, what was left for the rest?

"Damn it, Adora…" She couldn't smell anything but the blood coming out of her cheek. Catra's ribs hurt enough to make her chest ache.

Yes, this was the _weakness_ Hordak was talking about.

Adora as She-Ra and her painful expression, trying to get Catra to leave the Horde once again, Catra telling her to get away, her teeth clenching just by looking at how hurt Adora was. She couldn't take her as a prisoner, so she just yelled at her to run away, get her friends and leave that awful place. Even grabbed her by the throat to get her message across, Adora could be so inconveniently stubborn, she knew that so well. The last thing Catra remembered was She-Ra's hand gently grabbing and squeezing her own before muttering an apology, with such a pained expression it made Catra's stomach drop at the memory.

The pain was making her dizzy, along with the strong smell of her blood. She wanted to sleep. Forget this conflict of emotions. Fade to black and stop thinking so much, she would fix the situation, she would let go of the weakness and prove Hordak she deserves her rank.

No one could take this away from her, this time not even Adora.

Hordak had summoned her to his chambers after weeks without communication. At least he had let Catra heal her wounds and broken bones before he thought of a new plan of action.

Physically, she felt better, stronger than the last few weeks when she had been barely able to breathe without wanting to scream in pain. Broken ribs were no game, she would know all about that after years enduring Shadow Weaver's rage, yet, for some reason now that Hordak was the one to blame they seemed to hurt even more. She could feel a numbing pain rising to her chest sometimes, her breathing getting caught in her throat as if someone was chocking the life out of her little by little, making the pain unbearable and most of times making her pass out.

She had been doing that a lot recently.

Hordak's chambers were as cold and grey as she remembered, shivers ran down her spine and her hairs stood on end every time she had to be in the room, but was it because of the room itself or because of Hordak's presence, or a mix of both? Catra guessed it was probably the latter. All she could do was just bow in respect against him anyways.

"Catra, I have a gift for you." _What?_

"Lord Hordak?" She hated to refer to him as Lord, but for the sake of survival she would. Why would he give her something, what was it? For some reason, her stomach dropped, this all sounded like a bad idea.

"This _gift_ will help you overcome your weakness, Catra. I have high hopes for you, regardless of your last failure."

Amidst the shadows she could see Hordak holding something in his hands, a mask.

"This mask belonged to the Magicats, as the last one of their race, this rightfully belongs to you." Just seeing the mask made her want to run, but Hordak's voice kept her in her place.

"It used to belong to the last Queen of the Magicats. Take it, Catra."

Carefully, Catra walked up the stairs to Hordak's throne, each step feeling heavy and echoing across the chambers. The moment she touched the mask, she knew exactly why she was scared.

 _Magic._

She saw what magic did to Adora, what would it do to her?

"Use this mask when you see fit, Catra. She-Ra will be no match for you."

 _She-Ra will be no match for you._ Hordak said that. The leader of the Horde. Would this mask ensure her position as second in command? How powerful would she become? Judging by what Hordak just said, enough to be She-Ra's equal.

Catra couldn't hide the smirk on her face.

 _This changed everything._

Now, they could both play the game equally. Adora wouldn't be the one on top anymore. If only this was a game, or part of the simulations where they used to train when they were kids.

This was war and Catra would win. What else did she have but her ambitions anymore?

The black mask felt like it was calling her. She felt powerful just by holding it, how would it feel wearing it?

It awoke a primal desire in Catra, almost animal.

Almost.


	2. Failure

_She-Ra will be no match for you._

Just what kind of power was behind the mask Hordak had given her. Catra was curious, to say the least, curious enough that shivers ran down her spine just by imagining how powerful she would be if she put it on.

But not yet. She would keep it safe until the right time came. Until the Horde finally took over Bright Moon and the only one standing before Catra and victory was She-Ra.

Weeks had passed since the last battle, she thought the security around Bright Moon would've made it harder to sneak around the castle like she was doing now.

 _I guess I overestimated them_. She chuckled. They were still amateurs. She-Ra wasn't always going to protect them. _Adora_ wasn't always going to protect them.

As much as Catra tried to separate Adora from She-Ra, the truth is, they were the same person. She saw it with her own eyes last time she faced her. She-Ra might be taller and more powerful, but she was still Adora, both smelled like sunshine and lavender. And that was exactly the smell Catra was trying to find around the forest that surrounded the castle, with every turn it got closer and made her more excited.

She couldn't lie to herself, she loved seeing Adora.

She absolutely missed her, yes, but at the same time Catra resented her. The confusion made her want to slap herself more times that could remember, one moment she's happy of seeing Adora and the next she wants to scream at her and punch her, make her hurt. Make her feel anything close to what she felt when Adora left her behind.

The thought alone made her clench her teeth. She needed to find Adora's chambers and fast.

She needed to make her hurt, and she knew exactly how.

 _Go for the heart._

It was an effective tactic, it caused the damage Catra wanted, but it was a double-edged sword because she also was affected by it. Like during the princess prom. Catra showed up with the mission to mess with Adora's head and heart, make her jealous and assert dominance and she succeeded, but in exchange to suffer as well. It made her insides churn to see Adora touching, dancing and laughing with other people, seeing her interact with the people she left her for.

That night she wasn't planning on dancing, but well, her feelings got the _worse_ of her.

Catra just couldn't not take the chance to dance with Adora. She looked delightful in that red dress. Also, she looked furious since she had seen her crashing the party with Scorpia by her side. Good. Exactly what Catra wanted.

Turns out, the dancing was a bad and good idea. It worked for their plan, yes, it hurt Adora in a way, yes, but it hurt Catra too. Touching her so many times, so intimately made her hunger for more. She missed Adora's smell, her touch, her voice even though she was so angry at her that night all she did was threaten Catra repeatedly. If she could choose to go back to the times when they were inseparable, at that moment, with Adora in her arms, she would've chosen it a thousand times.

But, given her actual predicament, that didn't and would never happen. After that the ball was absolutely ruined.

 _Exactly as planned._

The smell was getting close, Catra could hear her heartbeat picking up pace in her chest.

After climbing the wall to Adora's window without being noticed, Catra could finally see her again through the glass.

Her heart felt like it was going to burst and come out of her mouth, her hands were shaking.

Feelings could be so inconvenient.

Adora, as the good soldier she's always been, noticed the shadow out of place behind her window and immediately stood, ready to defend and attack.

Catra knew she wouldn't fool her, so she just smirked and knocked on the glass.

She saw Adora coming at her with a fast and aggressive pace, a frown adorning her face. The game was on then.

The window opened in a violent haste and the next thing Catra knew was Adora's hands were grabbing her by the collar of her suit and forcefully pushing her inside the room. She didn't resist, she knew Adora would get physical the moment they saw each other.

"How did you get here!? Why are you here!?" Adora's face was centimeters away from hers and she couldn't help but smirk wider.

"Hey Adora." Adora looked _pissed_ , if Catra got punched in the face she wouldn't be surprised.

"Answer me." The whisper was so violent it made Catra's hair stand on end.

"I didn't come here to fight you or anyone so calm down, would you?" She mocked Adora's angry demeanor, a risky move given her position with her feet dangling in the air because Adora was lifting her by the collar with so much strength she could hear the material being torn.

Catra covered Adora's fists on her collar with her hands and looked her straight in the eye, no more jokes in her expression.

"I mean it, Adora."

She saw Adora clench her teeth before violently releasing her.

"I should kick you out, you know." She was tense, Catra could feel it. She was too. The situation was delicate, if someone saw them they were both as well as dead. This wasn't part of Catra's plan, yet here she was. If Hordak found out…

 _I need this._

"I came here to talk." She really did.

"You want to talk?" Why did Adora sound so surprised? Well, considering the last events…

"Yes, now please would you calm down? If this was an attack you'd know by now." Catra raised her hands in a gesture of surrender and Adora slowly relaxed her posture.

Good. Now she didn't look like she was about to tackle her down in fury.

"What do you really want, Catra?" Adora looked tired, her voice a mix of anger and sadness. She wouldn't look at her in the eye. "I thought I wouldn't see you again like this after last time."

Catra thought the same. In all honesty, she thought that day would be her last after learning Hordak found out about her little stunt during the battle.

"Well, same here, but here I am again." She did her best impression of nonchalance, but the nervousness in her voice couldn't be hidden.

She _hated_ doing this. _How_ could she play Adora when she was playing herself at the same time?

"I was worried about you." And, of course, Adora had to make things even more difficult for her. Just five words made her hold her breath and her chest ached.

How could she play Adora when she wasn't even lying about what she was going to say?

The worst part is that hearing Adora say that gave her hope.

 _She still cares. Then why the fuck did she leave me._

This wasn't the time for that thought process. Things were getting erratic in her head fast.

"Me too, that's why I'm here."

"I thought something happened to you, Catra." Now she was touching her shoulder so tenderly Catra wanted to melt. "You could've reached out sooner, I was so worried."

Could she stop saying that with those honest eyes and that hand that seemed to be drawing her closer? Catra didn't have the strength to push her away this time. She really did miss her like this, it reminded her when they were younger.

"Didn't you learn anything at the Horde, Adora? Never care for your enemy." And yet, here she was too. What a weak response, still, she was trying her hardest to get away from this pull.

At the prom, at least she had Scorpia to keep her intentions in check, but here, now alone with Adora, she could barely even remember why she came in the first place.

 _Go for the heart._

"I don't see you as my enemy." If Adora was trying to play the same game as Catra, she was winning. "I've been worried sick over you, I even thought of going back to the Fright Zone and see if you were okay."

But she knew Adora. She liked to think she knew her better than anyone else, even her new friends. She knew Adora would never do that.

 _But she left you._ Always that little voice in the back of her head. Was Adora as good as Catra thought?

This time, she thinks she is. Regardless of the doubting. She really does.

"Idiot, why would you even think of doing that? Letting you get away would've been in vain."

She could try to get away from this conversation. Wasn't this what she wanted in the first place, though?

She certainly didn't want Adora's hand on her shoulder to pull her against her side, but there she was.

Catra missed her so badly now. It was ridiculous. Fuck whatever she wanted to do here, just for a moment.

Adora had always been taller than her, so Catra's forehead rested easily against the crook of her neck. She couldn't help but inhale deeply. She missed her so much. But she didn't dare to move her arms from her sides.

"It's not the first time you've let us get away." True, it wasn't. She knows too.

"I already told you, it's not because I like you. It just wouldn't be a fair fight." Didn't sound very convincing with her tail rolling around Adora's leg.

Adora's laugh was still such a nice sound, and her arms seemed to be as strong as ever, both around her back in a tight embrace.

"Did they hurt you?" Such a loaded question in a barely audible whisper. Good thing Catra had good hearing. Once again, her chest hurt.

 _She cares._

"What do you think?" For Catra, it was an obvious outcome. She failed, she would be punished. As simple as that. It's always been like that for her.

But then, Adora never had to go through that. She wouldn't know.

 _How could she be so naïve?_ Shadow Weaver would punish her for simply stealing food, but failing a mission given by Hordak himself? That was much worse.

 _How could you even ask that? Of course, they did._

And the spell was broken.

Hordak, the mask, the painful last weeks when she could barely breathe, it all came down.

Her head cleared.

She remembered why she was here.

She could've shove Adora away with force, but Catra decided to slowly detach herself from their embrace. The look on Adora's face felt like a punch to the gut, just like broken ribs would feel like.

"Please, don't go back."

"You're a good person, don't go back. We can fix this."

As if things didn't feel enough like a slap to the face for Catra. Adora's hand grabbed hers in an almost desperate attempt to keep her there.

Catra couldn't help but wonder in that moment, what would it be if she stayed there, with Adora, in Bright Moon. If she betrayed the Horde and defected.

 _No._

When Adora left her, there wasn't much tying her to the Horde anymore. But then she realized she had the potential to be the best. She never realized that with Adora. She assumed she'd always be the second best, another soldier just like anyone else. But now, _she had a reason to be there_. She had meaning. She had a goal.

What would happen if she stayed?

All of that would be in vain. She would have no meaning again. She would be second best again. Behind Adora's shadow, or She-Ra's.

No, she couldn't have that.

Without her ambitions, she was nothing.

"I'm not a good person, look at all I've done. Saving you guys a couple times doesn't turn me into a hero like you or She-Ra."

"I can't stay here."

Catra squeezed Adora's hand before letting her go, she couldn't bear to look at her face. She wouldn't be able to leave if she did.

"Please tell me I'll see you again."

Her chest hurt.

"Of course, you will, Adora."

She couldn't even pretend to sound anything but hurt saying that.

Next time she sees Adora, they would be enemies again. Or at least, in opposite sides of the war.

Climbing down Adora's window felt like an eternity.

Her plan to go for the heart was doomed from the beginning.


End file.
